In the last 30 days or so, I've discovered that when it came to doing the wrong thing, I rarely hesitated. I knew when I was doing something wrong, but I went in "having faith" that God would make my situation better. That's jacked up, I know. So why is it when it comes to doing the right thing; not sinful, immoral, unethical or non biblical, do I hesitate? I understand it's easier to give in to rebellion than to choose the path of righteousness, but over the last month and a half, I've found myself asking God repeatedly, whether or not this call my spirit pulls me towards, is what he really wants for me. I still move forward, but it's as if I'm taking baby steps, not fully allowing myself to put my heart into it, because I'm terrified of making the wrong decision again.
For years, I've tried to instill in others that it doesn't matter what their circumstances are, that they can live life carefree, because God would provide. Looking back, I realize there was always someone else alongside me; family, friends, significant other, able to fill in the gaps where I couldn't. Looks like I was more comfortable trusting in God when I had a backup plan. Now, there is no backup plan. It's me, at the complete mercy of my father in heaven. I'm face to face with my biggest fear, one I didn't even realize I had until this journey, "Will God abandon me, especially when I mess up?" I knew the answer in my head, but he's been working to get it deep in my heart.
This morning, as I sat on the front porch swing to read scripture, I opened to the section I'd planned to read next, in the book of Mark. My bible has sections that discuss in more clarity what's on each page. This section talked about how Jesus told his disciples to count the cost before following him. How he tells us to distinguish between right and wrong. Then, there it was clear as day, referencing 1 Thes. 5:21 test and confirm the right way. I'd been asking God to clarify he really wanted me to do this, but bold print makes it much more intense. I didn't really want to test, and I definitely didn't know how. So I decided to just talk to God and tell him, "God, I don't know how to do what you're asking me to do, I don't know how I'm supposed to test". Then I asked, "God, will you show me how to test and confirm my specific situation?"
The wind had been blowing all morning, without disturbing anything. I looked up from my bible as a slight breeze brushed my face. Shortly after, it began turning the pages of my bible. The wind had blown the pages from the chapter of Mark, to God's answer for me. I could have read any number of verses here, but God specifically brought me to Hebrews 10:32-38. This wasn't a deception by the enemy, no this time I knew it was God. I was filled with the Holy Spirit and I felt his presence so overwhelmingly, just as I did when my eyes caught the water before my baptism. Everyone's relationship with Christ is different, he knows how to communicate with each of us on the level that we understand personally....
"Remember those earlier days after you had received the light, when you stood your ground in a great contest in the face of suffering. Sometimes you were publicly exposed to insult and persecution; at other times you stood side by side with those who were so treated. You sympathized with those in prison and joyfully accepted the confiscation of your property, because you knew that you yourselves had better and lasting possessions. So do not throw away your confidence; it will be richly rewarded. You need to persevere so that when you have done the will of God, you will receive what he promised. For in just a very little while. He who is coming will come and will not delay. But my righteous one will live by faith."
