The first #MissionTobyMac teaser was a clip of my cousin sharing her heart about my new journey. The one thing she said that stood out most to me, was that no matter what happens, "life will be different in 30 days". On the eve of day 41, I reflected on the events of those 30 days and felt that she was right. Life was different alright, for the worse! Not exactly what I had envisioned. Thoughts of everything bad rolled in my head like a 14lb bowling ball coming at me with a hard and unforgiving curve. Today, day 42, I awoke with a new outlook. This journey has been bitter sweet, but I really want to marvel in these current circumstances because I know they are what's changing my life for the better.
Within the last 42 days (at one point or another) my car quit running, I became unemployed, ran out of money, ran out of food, I've felt extreme amounts of pressure to "perform", extreme judgment, failure at every step, job scams, impostors looking to take advantage, no signs of progress, about to lose my car to repossession, I'm losing my phone, I'm losing my bank account, which will go on my credit report, donated all my belongings to the Salvation Army, and I've lost my mind...multiple times. Talk about visibly impossible circumstances.
Also within the last 42 days, I've written more music than I have in the last 8 months, I've made an official music video, I've been filming a documentary, I've established an online music presence and connected with many other artists, I have my own ring tones and merchandise, I have a friend who's provided me with a cozy, beautiful and safe place to stay, a friend who has given me food, I qualified for a food stamp card so that I can get my own food now, friends who have been willing to drive me to the library and from the studio so I can record more music, I've met people from all over the world and have maintained friendships with them, I'm up for possible candidacy on a Christian reality show in Dallas next month, I have several people interested in buying my car AS-IS for the amount I owe so I can pay it off, and several people who are interested in having me as their roommate in TN (even under my current situation).
But above all else, these last 42 days are continuing to teach me to trust in my heavenly father. My eyes are being opened to learn all the things I know in my head, but struggle to get down deep in my heart; that no matter what happens, no matter what I lose in this life, no matter where I am or where I relocate or travel, no matter what my circumstances are and no matter what poor choices I've made in the past, God will never leave me. He's ALWAYS got my back. He will not abandon me because he doesn't understand me. He will always stand up for me and fight for me. He will not withhold affection because of my mistakes or because I've done things differently than he thought I should. I believe God wants to instill in me that I really don't need to be stressed out just because of what others may think of what I'm doing or how I'm doing it. I believe he wants me to not only know, but apply the "it doesn't matter what others say, think or do", it's your life attitude. "I gave you a call and what we do together is between us, no one else can achieve what I'm asking you to achieve, just like you can't achieve what I've called them to do." I am to listen to his voice, not everyone else's. All of the things I am losing in life do not matter. They have no significance in my place in Heaven. God can and will replace what I've lost, he will turn my circumstances around for good and he will use me to be a blessing to millions of people! You don't realize how much you need God, until he's all you have.
