Was God in Galveston?

Over the span of the last 19 months of my journey with the Lord, after I finally gave up trying to do things my way and the world’s way, I have had three goals; for my heart to be made whole, for my soul to prosper, and to be steadfast in knowing that Jesus Christ would never leave me or forsake me. Up until that point of surrender, everything was simply head knowledge…but that has never been enough for me. I didn’t want to just know about Jesus; I wanted to KNOW the Lord! I wanted deeper awareness and a level of intimacy that only He can fill; one we were all created to desire. I wanted a heart to heart, emotional connection. Sadly, because my emotions controlled me for over 35 years, this process of healing and growth had me feeling like a tossed salad; to the point where I didn’t know what to feel or when.

One of the desires of my heart that I haven’t been able to escape is wanting an “encounter” with the Lord. I’ve wanted to feel what I saw so many people around me feeling; the love of the father so strongly that it brought them to tears or had them lying down for hours as their spirits entered the heavenly realm.  I believed that the Lord would allow me that encounter at some point in the future, but I also knew that for my own good, He didn’t want me to become addicted to the experience; He wanted me to seek Him and not the emotional high.

Last Thursday, at our weekly women’s group, the women began to ask me how I was doing. I shared several different things that I was struggling with. They are familiar with what the Lord has us doing, so they asked me if I’ve ever just gone somewhere to have fun. I began to cry because in the midst of the intense healing and ministry that’s taken place, I felt like I lost the ability to have fun. An even deeper honesty was that with the unveiling of the real me, I wasn't even sure if I knew what fun was for me now. The only thing I could tell them was that when I get to heaven, I’m looking forward to being able to live and breathe under water. Immediately, the Holy Spirit went to work.

The Lord prompted a lot of things; one of which was for the women in the group to hand me money. They were telling me that I had to get in the ocean. They all were highly enthusiastic and supportive and it was an expression of love that I haven’t experienced before. They told us to buy water noodles, a kite, and a bucket to build sand castles (We ended up getting bubbles too). Then they booked us an ocean front hotel room and told us to leave now and go to Galveston! They said there was only one stipulation with the money they had given me; it was ALL supposed to be used ONLY for FUN! I was stuttering to find the words to express the magnitude of what I was really dealing with, that going to simply have fun was much more complicated than they could see, but it was all happening so quickly, and I was unable to express the seriousness of it all. I told them that I thought there was a process to go through first; I thought I needed to be healed and walking in freedom in that area and THEN I would be prepared for something like this. They instantly told me that THIS WAS my healing and that the Lord was inviting me to Galveston to get into the ocean; that I would be healed and the Lord was going to play with me there and take delight in watching me. 

HIGH EXPECTATIONS

We grabbed some overnight stuff and headed for the beach! I believed that my life was about to change drastically and I allowed myself to be excited about it, yet the excitement seemed to be choked. We made it to Galveston, checked into our hotel, and headed to the ocean just blocks away. As soon as we made it to the entrance of the beach front, we got pulled over by the police. The reason they pulled us over is something we’re keeping private until later, but nonetheless, we’ve been pulled over so many times for this very thing and the fact that it happened right before I got the chance to see the water was devastating. I felt thrust back into what has been our reality for 19 months. We finally made it inside to park, but the anticipation I had longed for was gone. Ultimately, I made the decision to not let this incident ruin my time, so I walked to the edge of the water and sat down on the sand. I sat down with expectations of the Lord changing my life, but what happened instead was sorrow hit me like a brick. There I was, in the place I long to be the most on this earth, breathing in the mist of the salt water from the waves that come crashing on the shoreline; with an abyss of water being the only visible thing for eternity, and I felt nothing happy. I wasn’t in awe. I wasn’t crying tears of elation, but rather tears of sadness. We managed to get in the ocean for about 5-10 minutes, but even being submerged in the water wasn’t the joy I anticipated.

The remainder of the trip seemed to be one complicated disappointment after the other. The next morning I decided to go back to the ocean by myself. I purposely walked far away so I could distance myself from other people. I needed to be alone on that beach. I needed to be alone with the Lord. I found the perfect spot and for the next hour, some man with a metal detector thought the space directly in front of me was a prime area for treasure! I was begging the Lord for that moment of healing, for that encounter I was supposed to have with him, but it wasn’t happening. My heart grew heavier by the second, as did my demeanor. 

Near the end of my time there, this woman approached me and said, “Are you okay? I’ve been directed to come over here and ask if you’re okay. Your countenance looks so sad and your eyes seem far off in the distance.” I told her she was sweet for asking and she began to tell me how when you know the Lord, everything is okay. I asked if she was a believer and she asked my story. I gave her the cliff notes version; telling her what my husband and I are called to and that the last 18 months I feel like I’ve lost the simplest pleasures in life. She told me that the Lord sees me, that everything will be okay, that time really does heal, and that the Lord was going to give back to me 100 times what I’ve given up to follow him. When the woman walked away, I knew the Lord was speaking to me through her, but I still felt nothing emotionally.

Though the rest of our time there consisted of carnival rides and Chili’s, I couldn’t have been happier to get back. I spent 50% of the time engulfed in deep sorrow and the other 50% of the time fighting off condemnation because I felt bad for not achieving what the women paid for me to achieve.  I was so grateful for their level of support, encouragement, and love.  The next two days being back from Galveston were filled with greater sorrow after greater sorrow. I had never felt anything like it before. There were things I was obviously sad about, but the degree of hurt I was experiencing went way beyond that; it was affecting me physically. I questioned why the Lord didn’t show up; why did He invite me to an event and then not allow the event to happen? Why would He promise me healing and fun and then not deliver? I didn’t want to blame Him because He is a good father and He loves me, but it was so hard for me to understand why I wasn’t able to experience what I went there to experience.

REVELATION

Over the next 24 hours the Lord began to reveal some things to me; things that I had that “simple knowledge” of, but He wanted me to know it on a deeper level. He wanted me to know His love for me to a degree that I wasn’t able to receive prior to now. The Lord reminded me that He was there in Galveston. He was there on the beach with me the whole time. He already knew the sorrow and the lack of emotion that I would feel. He knew I was sad because I longed to encounter Him on another level. He knew everything I had anticipated taking place didn’t happen for me but in the midst of my sorrow, He was still delighting in me. In the midst of me not being able to feel what I wanted to feel, He was there loving on me. In the midst of me feeling lonely in that chair with a blank stare on my face, His grace was still upon me. In the midst of wanting so badly to be in awe at His creation, He was in awe of me watching it; regardless of how I felt.

The Lord further revealed to me and confirmed that He created me to receive from Him (worship Him) in a unique way that most people, including myself, had been deemed unproductive. He shared with me that He gave me an over abundant desire to gaze at His creation of nature; specifically looking at large bodies of water, sitting under trees and looking at the sky, listening to the birds chirp, laying in the grass and looking at the clouds, and sometimes just staring up into space for long periods of time. He told me that my human logic and mind don’t understand how we are engaging in those moments, but we are communing spirit to spirit, even when I’m not intentionally picturing His face. He let me know that soaking in nature is one of the most child-like ways He’s made me to spend time with Him and that no matter what anyone may think or say about it, He delights in me doing that because I’m being myself. He reminded me that I’m actually sitting at His feet when I’m doing these things; like Mary, who chose the better thing that can never be taken away from her. He told me He made me that way and it’s OKAY for me to indulge in these things anytime I want to for as long as I want to. He also let me know that even if I don’t want to, it’s OKAY! I have the freedom to do what I want, when I want and I can spend time with Him in the way He made me to enjoy it; that during those moments He’s restoring my soul. He also let me know that I did not miss Him; I didn’t leave Him stranded on the ocean.

The Lord is always with me. He is always delighting in me; despite what I'm feeling or not feeling. The Lord is always loving on me, whether I feel it or not, and the Lord says it’s OKAY to be who He created me to be; no matter how it looks to the rest of the world. The desires we can’t escape are because He put them there, but we’re too afraid to let others see because they might think we’re just being lazy or we have our head in the clouds. For me, the Lord made me to have my head in the clouds because that’s where I enjoy spending time with Him the most! 

I will get to have plenty more times at the ocean, but right now it’s more important to know that God was in Galveston and He was still delighting in me. More importantly, God is wherever I am and He is always delighting in me.