Yesterday I wrote about my complex trip to Galveston "Was God in Galveston"; sharing my heart about how my anticipation was replaced with sorrow and the insight that the Lord was still there delighting in me. Today, as my husband and I sat discussing what the Lord is about to do in our lives, the topic of fun was once again brought up. To be specific, we were talking about how the Lord gave us passions first and foremost for our own enjoyment, and that ministry is always second. As my husband continued to encourage me by affirming the Lord WANTS us to enjoy our passions, a HUGE light bulb went off in my head...the ROOT issue in why I wasn't able to have "fun" at the ocean...
You see, the Lord gave me passions that were evident from a very young age. The problem was that Satan didn't want me to enjoy the way God made me and he didn't want anyone else to either. So over the course of my adult life, he perverted my passions and turned them into the source with which I would get affirmation. They became my identity, so my value and worth were wrapped up in them; it was where I felt loved, received approval, and was accepted. The moment I realized I was addicted to my passions for reasons that only God could meet...I quit.
I realize now that the only thing I've wanted since fully giving my heart to the Lord, was to feel an emotional connection with Him. I have wanted to get my affirmation, love, approval, and acceptance from Him and nothing or no one else. Today it hit me like a TRUCK....The Lord showed me that I was afraid to enjoy anything or anyone because I was scared I'd feel good emotions and I never wanted to feel those again about anything other than the Lord! It didn't seem right for me to feel emotions about looking at the ocean when I went there to feel emotions about my Daddy. The Lord showed me that I have been afraid to enjoy things and people, that I have been afraid to have fun for the sake of having fun because I was afraid the motive in my heart would be wrong. I have just learned that this is a lie from Satan!
I have finally given myself fully to the Lord and have allowed Him to deliver me, to love me, and to stretch my faith. I am in a continual state of "yes Lord" and I no longer have to worry about my heart motive being wrong. He actually told me this last year when He showed me my heart was now whole, but with things being so intense for such a long time, I lost sight of that truth. I will still need the help of the Lord to get through this process of walking in this revelation, but I receive by faith that I do NOT have to be afraid! The Lord has my heart and He says it's OKAY to start enjoying again. It's OKAY to have fun again because now my fun is from a state of being FREE!
Lord help me and let's see what you have in store!
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