A Look Into My Heart

Dear Everyone, I am writing this to publicly apologize to anyone I have offended with my posts and comments regarding faith, Jesus Christ, and surrender to the Lord. I do not apologize for believing in Jesus Christ; but my heart’s intention is to love you and tell you the truth; not to offend you. You see, the last 2 years have been an unbelievable eye opener for me. To put it bluntly, they’ve been more of a rude awakening; and it is my desire to show you that it doesn’t have to happen to you!

Let me preface all of this by saying I’m not the first or only person whose life went this way; some of you went through it and some of you may be living it now. Since my first move to Tennessee in August of 2012, my Father has been removing the dirt that had settled on me for 38 years, so that I could shine as the woman of God He created me to be. I was always that woman of course, since I became His daughter at 13, but I certainly wasn’t acting like it.

Though my genuine desire was to do things the Lord’s way; the humiliating and hard-core truth is that a lot of MY bad decisions gave Satan access to stop me! I’m about to be invasively transparent, but please just go with it for a moment…it all started through a series of common attempts that Satan uses on pretty much everybody; no spiritual headship in the home and lack of Godly love and affection. What happened next was a long list of sin and deception; brought on by me letting my emotions control me. Do you know what that means to be controlled by your emotions? Do you understand the severity of what can happen when you do things based on how you feel? Here’s a glimpse; things eventually escalated to suicide attempts, domestic abuse, and drug and alcohol addictions; to name a few. Not to mention my strongly, unhealthy desire to please others; hence the next series of events; 2 marriages, 7 engagements, and a string of elicit affairs. All of which ultimately led to guilt, stress, physical illness and finally cancer. I’m sure you’re picturing the horrific image in your head right now of what that seemingly crazy woman looked like. Shoot, a lot of you knew her at one point.

Because I’ve been documenting my journey the last two years, I’ve had to face yet another list of over 57 things that needed to be dealt with or worked through in me. I’ve been shown the error of my ways, of my thinking, and of my belief system. I’ve been put in situations that brought out things in me I never knew existed, and some things I did know existed, but I didn’t want to deal with them. All of these things that were revealed in me were ugly; they were hurting me and they were spilling out into hurting other people. As if seeing 57 things wrong with my heart wasn’t bad enough to stomach, allow me to show you a level of pathetic I never thought could exist. One of the things on my list was insecurity so strong that when my husband tried to buy me a fountain pop as a surprise and it was flat, my instant reaction was to curse him at the top of my lungs because I thought he was an idiot for not tasting it first! Apparently this was my way of “protecting myself”. What part of verbally lashing out at someone is a form of protection?

To see all the junk I caused in my own life is hard enough as it is, but never did I think that the process to get out of it would be even worse. With only the things listed here that I’ve endured, it does not compare to the hurt, pain, suffering, confusion, exhaustion, weariness, loneliness, exasperation, anger, frustration, sorrow, and sometimes hopelessness that occurred during my deliverance and healing. I have never in my life had so many fights with someone about the most ridiculous stuff; it’s embarrassing. One day you’ll get to see all of the disgusting and intimate details of what I’m talking about, but this is why I am severely and adamantly passionate about spiritual matters. It didn’t have to happen this way. It didn’t have to come down to this and I brought it all on myself because I was afraid and stubborn. Yes, things were done to me against my will and it was wrong for those people to hurt me, but if I had known I was loved; if I had TRULY known I was loved, that my sins were forgiven, and that I was valuable for who I was and not what I did…those wrong choices to get into those relationships would not have even been considered because I would have known they weren't good for either of us.

THE LONG OF THE SHORT

I have had a new heart since I was saved at 13, but it’s only now that it’s showing through. I have a compassion for people that goes beyond just caring about their day. I have a care for people that extends past thinking everyone needs a hug. Those things are good; don’t misunderstand, but the level of love I have for people runs deep within me. The Lord has removed the veil from my eyes and given me the ability, through the Holy Spirit, to see what’s really going on; what the real reality is. He has given me a passion not only to see people saved, but He has given me an unstoppable craving for believers to experience the fullness of Christ while on THIS EARTH! Having ridden this roller coaster that would have ended in my death by my 40^th birthday if I hadn’t surrendered; caused me to discover my true identity. It’s because of all of this that I am adamant about believers being established in ALL that Jesus died for you to be and RECEIVING ALL that He died for you to have! I have been through this refining process and even with the events I’ve told you about earlier, this was harder than all of that put together!

Part of the way God made my personality is that I hate injustice; this is actually a part of love in Corinthians. This often causes me to come across as authoritative with no heart. Often times that delivery is necessary and those who also have my same redemptive gift were created to speak up when others aren't comfortable doing so, but I'm also relying on the Lord to help me be more relational because it IS from the heart. I hate lies that slander the character of our Dad in heaven, lies I used to live by myself. But He’s shown me the truth now and it genuinely hurts; it hurts my heart to see people living the way I did, when they don’t have to. I am submitted to the Lord and am consistently asking Him to help me in my approaches when He asks me to reach out to people because I do want people to know I care and THAT'S why I say the things I do. But I wanted to take this time to let you know that when I post articles, share posts on Facebook, comment on others posts, send you private messages or any other form of writing, my intention is first obedience to the Lord's instructions; second is to share the truth with you out of love. I care about your souls and I care about your quality of life HERE! I don’t want people to suffer and it makes me angry that the enemy is deceiving so many; just like I allowed him to do to me. I wasn’t willing to trust God because it was “taboo” and I ended up messing up my life!

I am so grateful to know the truth about our father and His grace and I want you to know it too because it will change you and everything about your life! I understand there will always be at least one someone who will persecute me no matter how sincere I am; this message is not for you. But to those who want to understand why I am so animated about the things I write about, it’s because of you. It’s because I know how much it hurts and how hard it is and that the longer you wait to surrender, the harder it will be to get out and too many people don't even make it out! My mother was one of them. I don’t want to see that happen to you. I love you and I care about you and I want you to have the absolute best that God has for you. 

 I didn't love myself, I didn't respect myself, I didn't care about the condition of my heart and what could happen to me because I was more concerned about finding someone to love and who would love me back. I was more concerned about partying, having fun, and escaping my feelings, so that I wouldn't have to feel anything anymore; and I have seen and experienced the severe consequences of that! However, I have also seen and experienced who God is and what He can do! This is real. This whole faith thing isn’t a joke! I want you to take your own life seriously and love yourself; care about yourself, respect yourself and what happens to you because you are loved and worthy and you deserve the very best and nothing less! And trust me when I say... you haven't experienced real fun and partying until you've done it FREE from your past!